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Monday, September 3, 2012

Herring writes a horoscope

While working on my next book I've been re-reading a lot of my old columns.  The following won't make it into the book, since it's not about history, but it made me smile and I hope it will give you a chuckle or two.
This column originally appeared in the Kerrville Daily Times back in 2003.
* * *
Since this newspaper purchased the Kerrville Mountain Sun several weeks ago, things have been rather hectic in the Kerrville Daily Times newsroom, and lots of people have had to fill in where needed. (I like the newly redesigned Mountain Sun, and if you haven’t had a chance to see it, you ought to buy a copy and check it out.) The truth is, a lot of people who work long hours bringing you the daily newspaper are also spending a lot of time working on the newly acquired weekly.
This week I’ll need to depart from my usual topics; the person who usually writes the horoscopes has been a little busy, and I drew the black bean, meaning I need to write the horoscopes for this week. This is difficult for me since I don’t believe in astrology, but I’m nothing if not a team player, so I’ll give ‘er a shot. 
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) Avoid the temptation to eat all of the leftover Halloween candy in one sitting. I know how tempting it is, and I know you turned off your porch light well before the last trick-or-treater left the neighborhood. Naughty you. Pace yourself with all of that candy, take it slow. Alternatively, go ahead and buy that treadmill you’ve always wanted.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21) Hey, don’t you have a birthday coming up? Today would be a good day to start being nice to all of your friends, co-workers, family, and even very casual acquaintances. You never know, someone might remember. Also, avoid eating anything blue today.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Face it, Publisher’s Clearing House is not going to call and you’ll never win the lottery; you’re going to have to get a job. There’s really nothing like a well-written resume printed on crisp white paper to lift your spirits. Go ahead, pull yourself up off of the couch. Today’s the day! Also, Oprah cannot read the brainwaves you send her during her show.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 19) Lookit, there’s no easy way to say this: if you really must leave the house today, wear some new, clean underwear. Please, please, please: look both ways before crossing the street. Don’t bother to make any long-term commitments; enjoy the moment. Oops. Hold on a second. Silly me, I had your star-chart upside down. You’re going to be fine today; it’s your arch-nemesis who’s in for a rough day. Whew! that’s better. Don’t rent bowling shoes today.
Pisces (Feb. 20 – Mar. 20) You’re going to lose $20 out of your purse or wallet today. It could be worse, so don’t worry too much about it. Consider it an investment in the whole karma thing. Also, avoid broccoli, especially steamed broccoli.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) You will develop a completely irrational love of United States History today, and if you’re going to be that crazy about the subject, you might as well read up on it. There are several excellent books available at the Butt-Holdsworth Memorial Library. The stars also say if you skip in public today, it will bring you good luck.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) Your lucky day! You will find a brand new, crisp $20 bill today on the sidewalk, a new one that looks so fake, with Jackson sort of floating in the middle of the design, like they were thinking, ‘Oh yeah, we ought to put him on this one’ – but isn’t fake. It’s real! A little pink, maybe, but real. My advice to you: avoid Pisces for a while, at least for a day or so.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20) Call your mom. How long has it been since you bothered to pick up the phone and dial those few digits, thanking her for all she’s done for you? Are you ungrateful? Don’t you think she suffered over you? Well, she did. A lot. Also, put a small smooth stone in your pocket.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22) People will find you hilarious today. Be brave, tell that joke you’ve been wanting to tell! You’ll be a hit. In addition, avoid mirrors today, and don’t ask anyone about how your hair looks today.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) Consider a long-term investment today, but not in anything ordinary, like stocks, bonds, or real estate. Maybe vintage clothing or an emu ranch; the stars aren’t really clear on this one. Good luck. Furthermore, wearing argyle socks will improve your dart game today.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22) Time to tackle a chore you’ve been putting off, like, er, well you know the one. Attack it with gusto: you cover a lot of procrastination with the merest splash of bravado. The signs point to watermelon slices in your future.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 23) You will eat a bug today and not even know it. It’s okay, though, it won’t make you sick. Avoid the number 6 today. Or if it was a spider, avoid the number 8.

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